How to choose a good Child Day Care Center?
December 26, 2009 by admin · Leave a Comment
Ron Michael Knight asked:
In finding the right day care center, consider your child’s safety, how much you can afford to pay and your daily routine. Look for the following:
Safety: check if the child care is licensed with your state and country. Find out if it is well equipped to handle emergencies and if the staff is trained in first aid. If required, get feedbacks from parents of other children attending the child care. Staff: the members of the staff are responsible for the care and learning of your child when you are away. Make sure your child is in good hands through the day. Watch how the staff works with the children and check if they are kind and caring. Make sure there are enough staff members to give personalized attention to the kids. Learning programs: Find what kind of learning programs and activities the center is offering. Check if they are on lines of your child’s interests and are apt for your child’s age. You should also consider whether the programs fit with your family values and inculcate the right spirit in your child. Affordable: Check your finances to see whether it fits the fee charged by the child care. Determine whether the services at the child care is worthy of the fees that you pay. Convenient: Think about the location of the care center, if it is convenient for you to drop and pick up the child everyday and if you can reach the place easily in case of emergency. Peer: the age of children at the child care center is a crucial aspect that most parents tend to ignore. Make sure your child gels well with other children at the center and are happy at the end of the day.
Bottom line, the child day care center should be a pleasant and enriching experience for your child. It should be a place where your child can learn, play and be well taken care of.
In finding the right day care center, consider your child’s safety, how much you can afford to pay and your daily routine. Look for the following:
Safety: check if the child care is licensed with your state and country. Find out if it is well equipped to handle emergencies and if the staff is trained in first aid. If required, get feedbacks from parents of other children attending the child care. Staff: the members of the staff are responsible for the care and learning of your child when you are away. Make sure your child is in good hands through the day. Watch how the staff works with the children and check if they are kind and caring. Make sure there are enough staff members to give personalized attention to the kids. Learning programs: Find what kind of learning programs and activities the center is offering. Check if they are on lines of your child’s interests and are apt for your child’s age. You should also consider whether the programs fit with your family values and inculcate the right spirit in your child. Affordable: Check your finances to see whether it fits the fee charged by the child care. Determine whether the services at the child care is worthy of the fees that you pay. Convenient: Think about the location of the care center, if it is convenient for you to drop and pick up the child everyday and if you can reach the place easily in case of emergency. Peer: the age of children at the child care center is a crucial aspect that most parents tend to ignore. Make sure your child gels well with other children at the center and are happy at the end of the day.
Bottom line, the child day care center should be a pleasant and enriching experience for your child. It should be a place where your child can learn, play and be well taken care of.
Tender Care For Kids in the Car!
November 14, 2009 by admin · Leave a Comment
Johnson McBrady asked:
When you are having a bun in the oven a baby, at that place are a lot of affairs you require to have ready for the tender fellow, however it’s not like they are getting to retrieve any of the newborn things you did for them, never the less, it’s more for you. Seeing into every small point, making sure you haven’t missed out on any aspect in your prep, after all they are worthwhile so much to you. And who doesn’t require to be the best raise in the domain? Or at least every mammy does. Here, at Pure and Honest Kids, on that point is a wide range of products independent for you and your loved ones.
Caden Lane is one of the well-nigh fanatical and animal baby brands in the market, with their tender meet, your baby’s nursery will get that warm and passing feeling it merits. Caden Lane covers a range of productions and accouterments for the kids, and thither is no surprise that they leave no stone right-side-out in bringing you the best in baby care products. Believing the fact that they have an passing personalized way of Apparent at their production line, they have always strained to give you the foremost in baby care.
Take the Caden Lane Car Seat Cover. Talk about taking in style, this Couturier Seat cover is beautiful and the nearly realistic copyrighted piece of framework you are prospective to find anyplace. If you have a Car Seat that is in need of a new front, and just wont fit into order with the new idea in your life, that is your new born, you can simply interchange it with this new Caden Lane Car Seat Cover, passing you a fresh new look. Bringing with it the spice of switch and gentle wind of cheekiness, to a greater extent over this Caden Lane Car Seat cover, is all you take to help your baby feeling good wherever you go. Getting you all the attention and making sure everyone knows thither is a new born in town.
This Caden Lane Seat cover is the nearly living as well, with its high quality; it caters you with a endless utility to the factory fitted seat covers. So when you bargain something form Caden Lane, you can be sure it is had to last, and at that place will be no via media on quality. This Caden Lane Seat cover easily fits all canonical baby seats, so you do not have to concern about the size and fitting. Caden Lane prides itself for supplying decent high quality baby wares, with a apart sense of style and way. After all, there should be no compromise when you and your baby are involved.
Not only that, the Caden Lane Seat cover comes in three several colors, and all come with the most cuddly print and design. You can opt from a beautifully stretch blue, a strong and warm pink and, a irresistible and interesting green, yes all three of the ability puff’s, if you will. This enough and in Seat cover form Caden lane is what you ask, to ride in fashion with your baby.
When you are having a bun in the oven a baby, at that place are a lot of affairs you require to have ready for the tender fellow, however it’s not like they are getting to retrieve any of the newborn things you did for them, never the less, it’s more for you. Seeing into every small point, making sure you haven’t missed out on any aspect in your prep, after all they are worthwhile so much to you. And who doesn’t require to be the best raise in the domain? Or at least every mammy does. Here, at Pure and Honest Kids, on that point is a wide range of products independent for you and your loved ones.
Caden Lane is one of the well-nigh fanatical and animal baby brands in the market, with their tender meet, your baby’s nursery will get that warm and passing feeling it merits. Caden Lane covers a range of productions and accouterments for the kids, and thither is no surprise that they leave no stone right-side-out in bringing you the best in baby care products. Believing the fact that they have an passing personalized way of Apparent at their production line, they have always strained to give you the foremost in baby care.
Take the Caden Lane Car Seat Cover. Talk about taking in style, this Couturier Seat cover is beautiful and the nearly realistic copyrighted piece of framework you are prospective to find anyplace. If you have a Car Seat that is in need of a new front, and just wont fit into order with the new idea in your life, that is your new born, you can simply interchange it with this new Caden Lane Car Seat Cover, passing you a fresh new look. Bringing with it the spice of switch and gentle wind of cheekiness, to a greater extent over this Caden Lane Car Seat cover, is all you take to help your baby feeling good wherever you go. Getting you all the attention and making sure everyone knows thither is a new born in town.
This Caden Lane Seat cover is the nearly living as well, with its high quality; it caters you with a endless utility to the factory fitted seat covers. So when you bargain something form Caden Lane, you can be sure it is had to last, and at that place will be no via media on quality. This Caden Lane Seat cover easily fits all canonical baby seats, so you do not have to concern about the size and fitting. Caden Lane prides itself for supplying decent high quality baby wares, with a apart sense of style and way. After all, there should be no compromise when you and your baby are involved.
Not only that, the Caden Lane Seat cover comes in three several colors, and all come with the most cuddly print and design. You can opt from a beautifully stretch blue, a strong and warm pink and, a irresistible and interesting green, yes all three of the ability puff’s, if you will. This enough and in Seat cover form Caden lane is what you ask, to ride in fashion with your baby.
Caring For Baby Clothes
September 27, 2009 by admin · Leave a Comment
Christina Taylor asked:
Yes it is factual that baby clothing don’t last long with babies growing up as fast as they do, but taking care of a children’s garments is still just as, if not more, significant. One of the most important reasons good garments care is so crucial is to guard an infant’s skin from irritating matters. For the reason that the household uses of a lot of unusual chemicals has increased in present society, the delicateness of human skin has been greater than before, and babies mainly have the most delicate skin of all. A parent must be perceptive to any foods or matters that their babies have allergies or intolerance to. In other ways, taking care for kids and baby’s garments is comparable to adult clothing, but on a much smaller size.
Strong detergents are uncalled for even for adults, so it makes common sense to get one detergent that will work for the entire family. By using a gentle detergent, all of the garments will emerge just as hygienic, but without the great quantity of irritating chemicals that can cause rashes for a baby’s sensitive skin. In some conditions it is better to cease from using of some detergents at all. As an alternative soap for delicate skin and hot water will get garments dirt free, but will take extra time. There are a number of “baby” detergents that are sold to the young parent group as detergents that are improved for babies’ skin, but there is no actual variation from these and other gentle detergents. Baby detergents are only an additional way of marketing to the baby retail business. When buying a mild detergent, parents ought to look for a material with no added fragrances or colors.
The moment the garments are washed, drying them as intended for should be all right devoid of the use of a fabric softener. The best way to dry baby garments is on a clothesline, but they ought to hang in an enclosed spot that is not in contact with pollen or insects which may trigger allergies. It is vital for the garments to be fully dry before they are pack away or worn by a baby, and hanging the garments on baby’s clothes hangers will help stay their form. Baby garments hangers and children’s hangers are an imperative piece of garments storage for children for the reason that small clothes tend to gather and drop their form more simply.
Fresh clothes should constantly be washed prior to wearing. Just like fresh clothes they can be rigid and irritating to adults, fresh clothes are even bad for newborn and little children. The same is factual for any kind of hand-me-downs. Dust mites and further irritating stuff can collect on any type of garments that has been in storage for quite some time.
Additional care ought to be taken in any condition concerning a baby, and garments care is only one of them. By following these little guidelines, skin rashes and other skin problems will be one less item to fret about, and baby’s garments will stay looking fine.
Yes it is factual that baby clothing don’t last long with babies growing up as fast as they do, but taking care of a children’s garments is still just as, if not more, significant. One of the most important reasons good garments care is so crucial is to guard an infant’s skin from irritating matters. For the reason that the household uses of a lot of unusual chemicals has increased in present society, the delicateness of human skin has been greater than before, and babies mainly have the most delicate skin of all. A parent must be perceptive to any foods or matters that their babies have allergies or intolerance to. In other ways, taking care for kids and baby’s garments is comparable to adult clothing, but on a much smaller size.
Strong detergents are uncalled for even for adults, so it makes common sense to get one detergent that will work for the entire family. By using a gentle detergent, all of the garments will emerge just as hygienic, but without the great quantity of irritating chemicals that can cause rashes for a baby’s sensitive skin. In some conditions it is better to cease from using of some detergents at all. As an alternative soap for delicate skin and hot water will get garments dirt free, but will take extra time. There are a number of “baby” detergents that are sold to the young parent group as detergents that are improved for babies’ skin, but there is no actual variation from these and other gentle detergents. Baby detergents are only an additional way of marketing to the baby retail business. When buying a mild detergent, parents ought to look for a material with no added fragrances or colors.
The moment the garments are washed, drying them as intended for should be all right devoid of the use of a fabric softener. The best way to dry baby garments is on a clothesline, but they ought to hang in an enclosed spot that is not in contact with pollen or insects which may trigger allergies. It is vital for the garments to be fully dry before they are pack away or worn by a baby, and hanging the garments on baby’s clothes hangers will help stay their form. Baby garments hangers and children’s hangers are an imperative piece of garments storage for children for the reason that small clothes tend to gather and drop their form more simply.
Fresh clothes should constantly be washed prior to wearing. Just like fresh clothes they can be rigid and irritating to adults, fresh clothes are even bad for newborn and little children. The same is factual for any kind of hand-me-downs. Dust mites and further irritating stuff can collect on any type of garments that has been in storage for quite some time.
Additional care ought to be taken in any condition concerning a baby, and garments care is only one of them. By following these little guidelines, skin rashes and other skin problems will be one less item to fret about, and baby’s garments will stay looking fine.
Finding Fun Activities for Kids When They Can’t Find Any Themselves!
August 7, 2009 by admin · Leave a Comment
Ivana Katz asked:
Why are you reading an article on finding fun activities for kids?
Perhaps you were attracted by the short, snappy title and the promise of many pearls of wisdom contained within?!
Was it just another way to waste time you really should be spending working?!
Or, possibly, you are the same as most of us… With children to entertain, the simplest of daily activities – a car journey, a shopping trip – suddenly becomes much more stressful. You need ideas. And you need them fast. This magical promise of ideas has lured you in… Ideas to transform the most mundane of tasks into an activity fun for kids too.
A quick Internet search will show you that there’s a lot out there (’bored kids’ yields over 3 million sites!). Be honest, this is not the first article you’ve read that claims to have all the answers to the age-old problem of keeping your kids busy.
A correction : this article doesn’t claim to have all the answers. However, with any luck you might find one or two ideas here that will stop your nerves from being frazzled just yet…
Be a spin-doctor. In today’s political environment, the ’spin-doctor’ is widely regarded as someone pretty low on the popularity scale. Putting a positive ’spin’ on otherwise negative looking unemployment statistics or election results can often look like thinly disguised dishonesty.
Parents? Teachers? It’s time to reclaim the role of spin-doctor for ourselves. That’s right; we’ve been doing it for centuries. Of course, kids can often see through the old “It’s not broccoli, it’s a mini-tree… Now eat it up!” But that doesn’t mean the ancient art of spin is dead. Keep at it.
Laying the table can be turned into a game where someone plays the role of an extremely discerning guest and your child has to lay the table as a posh waiter possible. Give it a catchy title (Sack the Waiter? Posh Nosh?) and you’ll soon see your kids having fun whilst doing the most menial chore.
Use humour. I once knew a teacher who, before a test of any sort, said to his class, “I’ve got a fun activity for you today. I just can’t wait to see your excited faces…” The kids, of course, knew exactly what this meant and groaned on cue; but they loved the way it was dealt with. Recognise that going grocery shopping isn’t going to be number one on your kid’s ‘Fun Activity List’ and use this to your advantage. “Guess where I’ve planned for us to go today. Your favourite place?” Cue groans. “I was only planning to be quick, but seeing as you enjoy it so much… We can take all morning if you like?!” Before you know it, you’ll have a child begging you to do a quick shop. You may even have a pair of hands to speed things up!
Do your research. As mentioned already, there are plenty of websites in existence that claim to provide ‘fun’ activities for kids. Be careful, however. Many of these charge a join-up fee and don’t provide a great deal in return. Your best bet is to search for articles that simply promise ideas. Keep a notebook of what you find. Having done your research, you will be less likely to be stumped when crunch-time comes.
And on the subject of ideas… Here are one or two to start you off. All of them stem from possible boredom hotspots and I hope that they prove to be as useful as you hope they will be!
- YOU’RE THE DJ! (for the long car journey) Using a CD or a local radio station, it can be fun for your kids if you let them play the role of DJ. They have to rate each track a Hit, Miss or Maybe and even predict what you think of each one.
- RECONNAISANCE MAN/WOMAN (for the nature walk) If going on a walk instils boredom in your kids, fun can be established by having a ‘rekky’ beforehand. What unique sights are on the route? Then when you return, instead of telling your children they are going for a walk, invite them on a voyage of discovery. “Do you want to see a sheep’s skull?” “Have you ever seen a flower that looks like a man’s face?”
- THE FORGETFUL WAITER (for the meal-table) Someone closes their eyes after studying the table carefully. An object is taken and hidden. What’s missing? What did the waiter forget? A good test of observation skills.
- MAKING A ROUGHIE (for time spent in the kitchen) A roughie is like a smoothie… but far more delicious. You will need a banana, some yoghurt, a variety of squashable fruit and a big bowl. Although you may not find this activity much fun, for kids to squidge, squash and smudge the ingredients between their fingers is a feeling second to none! Let them drink (eat?) the resulting mess!
There are more ideas where those came from. And you can think of them yourself. Think of the times you most need a series of fun activities for your kids…
Do some research with a reliable site, add a little spin, a catchy title, use humour and you’ll be surprised what results.
The art of the spin doctor is not dead yet.
Why are you reading an article on finding fun activities for kids?
Perhaps you were attracted by the short, snappy title and the promise of many pearls of wisdom contained within?!
Was it just another way to waste time you really should be spending working?!
Or, possibly, you are the same as most of us… With children to entertain, the simplest of daily activities – a car journey, a shopping trip – suddenly becomes much more stressful. You need ideas. And you need them fast. This magical promise of ideas has lured you in… Ideas to transform the most mundane of tasks into an activity fun for kids too.
A quick Internet search will show you that there’s a lot out there (’bored kids’ yields over 3 million sites!). Be honest, this is not the first article you’ve read that claims to have all the answers to the age-old problem of keeping your kids busy.
A correction : this article doesn’t claim to have all the answers. However, with any luck you might find one or two ideas here that will stop your nerves from being frazzled just yet…
Be a spin-doctor. In today’s political environment, the ’spin-doctor’ is widely regarded as someone pretty low on the popularity scale. Putting a positive ’spin’ on otherwise negative looking unemployment statistics or election results can often look like thinly disguised dishonesty.
Parents? Teachers? It’s time to reclaim the role of spin-doctor for ourselves. That’s right; we’ve been doing it for centuries. Of course, kids can often see through the old “It’s not broccoli, it’s a mini-tree… Now eat it up!” But that doesn’t mean the ancient art of spin is dead. Keep at it.
Laying the table can be turned into a game where someone plays the role of an extremely discerning guest and your child has to lay the table as a posh waiter possible. Give it a catchy title (Sack the Waiter? Posh Nosh?) and you’ll soon see your kids having fun whilst doing the most menial chore.
Use humour. I once knew a teacher who, before a test of any sort, said to his class, “I’ve got a fun activity for you today. I just can’t wait to see your excited faces…” The kids, of course, knew exactly what this meant and groaned on cue; but they loved the way it was dealt with. Recognise that going grocery shopping isn’t going to be number one on your kid’s ‘Fun Activity List’ and use this to your advantage. “Guess where I’ve planned for us to go today. Your favourite place?” Cue groans. “I was only planning to be quick, but seeing as you enjoy it so much… We can take all morning if you like?!” Before you know it, you’ll have a child begging you to do a quick shop. You may even have a pair of hands to speed things up!
Do your research. As mentioned already, there are plenty of websites in existence that claim to provide ‘fun’ activities for kids. Be careful, however. Many of these charge a join-up fee and don’t provide a great deal in return. Your best bet is to search for articles that simply promise ideas. Keep a notebook of what you find. Having done your research, you will be less likely to be stumped when crunch-time comes.
And on the subject of ideas… Here are one or two to start you off. All of them stem from possible boredom hotspots and I hope that they prove to be as useful as you hope they will be!
- YOU’RE THE DJ! (for the long car journey) Using a CD or a local radio station, it can be fun for your kids if you let them play the role of DJ. They have to rate each track a Hit, Miss or Maybe and even predict what you think of each one.
- RECONNAISANCE MAN/WOMAN (for the nature walk) If going on a walk instils boredom in your kids, fun can be established by having a ‘rekky’ beforehand. What unique sights are on the route? Then when you return, instead of telling your children they are going for a walk, invite them on a voyage of discovery. “Do you want to see a sheep’s skull?” “Have you ever seen a flower that looks like a man’s face?”
- THE FORGETFUL WAITER (for the meal-table) Someone closes their eyes after studying the table carefully. An object is taken and hidden. What’s missing? What did the waiter forget? A good test of observation skills.
- MAKING A ROUGHIE (for time spent in the kitchen) A roughie is like a smoothie… but far more delicious. You will need a banana, some yoghurt, a variety of squashable fruit and a big bowl. Although you may not find this activity much fun, for kids to squidge, squash and smudge the ingredients between their fingers is a feeling second to none! Let them drink (eat?) the resulting mess!
There are more ideas where those came from. And you can think of them yourself. Think of the times you most need a series of fun activities for your kids…
Do some research with a reliable site, add a little spin, a catchy title, use humour and you’ll be surprised what results.
The art of the spin doctor is not dead yet.
Why Kids Tell Lies and What to Do About it
August 1, 2009 by admin · Leave a Comment
James Lehman asked:
Catching your child in a lie is maddening, painful and upsetting. What else does he lie about? How can I trust him? Behavioral therapist James Lehman explains why kids tell lies and suggests a better way for parents to deal with it.
Q: When your child lies to you, it hurts. As parents, it makes us angry and we take it personally. We feel like we can never trust our child again. Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?
James: Parents are understandably very afraid of their children getting hurt and getting into trouble, but they have very little protection against these things as they send their kids out into the world. Kids learn from other kids and from external media, and this makes parents feel unsafe because they can’t control the information and ideas that their children are exposed to.
Your kid’s honesty becomes the connector between what’s happening to him on the outside world and what happens at home. You need him to tell you honestly what happened today, so that you can honestly decide if that’s best for him. You need him to tell you what he’s doing so you can decide if that’s going to help him meet his responsibilities now and in the future. When parents don’t get the right information, they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong choices for their kids.
When your kid lies, you start to see him as “sneaky,” especially if he continues to lie to you. You feel that he’s going behind your back, that he’s undermining you. You begin to think that your kids are “bad”.” Because, certainly, if lying is bad, liars are bad. It’s just that simple.
Parents need to make their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is they start to blame the kid for lying. It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.” I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.
Q: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. What’s going in on a child’s mind when they lie to their parents?
James: Kids know lying is forbidden. But they don’t see it as hurtful. Not the way that parents see it as hurtful. So a kid will say, “I know it’s wrong that I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt?” “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie. But it doesn’t really hurt anybody. I can handle it. What’s the big deal?” That’s what the kid sees.
When they don’t see it as hurtful, there are two different value systems operating: the family’s value system that says this is forbidden and the kid’s value system that says if it’s not hurting anybody, what do you care? The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesn’t hurt anybody. The outcome is a dishonest situation. A lie.
When you get to adolescence, of course, the stakes get much higher. But the thinking remains the same. Kids smoke pot and drink and say, “Well it doesn’t hurt anybody. My friends smoke pot and it doesn’t hurt them. I know drinking’s wrong, but my parents drink and it doesn’t hurt them. I can handle it. I’m older than my parents think I am.” They know it’s forbidden. They either don’t see it as hurtful, or they rationalize the hurt away.
Q: So what’s the best way for parents to deal with lying, so that they don’t feel hurt and resentful about it and so that the child learns not to lie?
James: The first thing you have to do is be careful of is giving lies too much power. If you have a kid who’s mad at you or feels aggravated and powerless, and if he feels he can gain power over you by telling you a lie, he’ll use dishonesty to get that power. He’ll withhold information and lie by omission when you’re trying to get the truth. He’ll give you little pieces of information, and that makes him feel powerful. It’s a trap for parents. Honesty is important, but if you communicate that too strongly to your children, they will use that to have power over you. You have to keep these things a certain size so that they’re not used against you.
The second thing to remember is that you have to understand the power of the culture that kids go into. It’s a very powerful culture that exerts a lot of pressure to “fit in.” They may feel guilty if they lie to their parents. But, again, they’re thinking, “This isn’t that hurtful, and my parents just don’t understand.” Of course, parents do understand. They’re frightened, and they should be.
So I think that parents have to assume that kids are going to tell them lies, because they’re immature and they don’t understand how hurtful these things are. They’re also drawn towards excitement, and their parents aren’t. It’s not like the good kids aren’t drawn to excitement and risk, and the bad kids are. It’s not that the good kids don’t lie and the bad kids do lie. They’re all drawn to excitement, and they’ll all have a tendency to distort the truth because they’re kids.
I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re traveling too fast, he issues you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. He didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.
The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, he’ll recall how uncomfortable he was when he did the consequence for lying, and he’ll tell you the truth instead.
The consequence should be about the lying. If there’s a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately. If you come home later than your curfew and you tell me the truth, you may still lose going out Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you lose both.
Parents should not focus on the morality of it. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it’s hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.
When a cop writes me a ticket, he doesn’t follow me home or argue with me. He hands me my ticket and he drives away. Approach the consequences for lying the same way. Don’t argue about it or get into a big discussion. Discuss it in a structured way: “What were you trying to accomplish by doing that?” Not “Why did you lie? You know how much lying hurts me.” Just ask what he was trying to accomplish, then point out that lying is not the way to solve his problem. Compliance is the way to solve it. Talk about it after things have cooled down, not in the heat of the moment. Explain what will happen if he lies again. “If you lie to me about the dance, you’re not going to the next dance and I’m taking your phone for twenty four hours.” Just keep it really simple.
Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents.com
Catching your child in a lie is maddening, painful and upsetting. What else does he lie about? How can I trust him? Behavioral therapist James Lehman explains why kids tell lies and suggests a better way for parents to deal with it.
Q: When your child lies to you, it hurts. As parents, it makes us angry and we take it personally. We feel like we can never trust our child again. Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?
James: Parents are understandably very afraid of their children getting hurt and getting into trouble, but they have very little protection against these things as they send their kids out into the world. Kids learn from other kids and from external media, and this makes parents feel unsafe because they can’t control the information and ideas that their children are exposed to.
Your kid’s honesty becomes the connector between what’s happening to him on the outside world and what happens at home. You need him to tell you honestly what happened today, so that you can honestly decide if that’s best for him. You need him to tell you what he’s doing so you can decide if that’s going to help him meet his responsibilities now and in the future. When parents don’t get the right information, they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong choices for their kids.
When your kid lies, you start to see him as “sneaky,” especially if he continues to lie to you. You feel that he’s going behind your back, that he’s undermining you. You begin to think that your kids are “bad”.” Because, certainly, if lying is bad, liars are bad. It’s just that simple.
Parents need to make their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is they start to blame the kid for lying. It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.” I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.
Q: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. What’s going in on a child’s mind when they lie to their parents?
James: Kids know lying is forbidden. But they don’t see it as hurtful. Not the way that parents see it as hurtful. So a kid will say, “I know it’s wrong that I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt?” “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie. But it doesn’t really hurt anybody. I can handle it. What’s the big deal?” That’s what the kid sees.
When they don’t see it as hurtful, there are two different value systems operating: the family’s value system that says this is forbidden and the kid’s value system that says if it’s not hurting anybody, what do you care? The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesn’t hurt anybody. The outcome is a dishonest situation. A lie.
When you get to adolescence, of course, the stakes get much higher. But the thinking remains the same. Kids smoke pot and drink and say, “Well it doesn’t hurt anybody. My friends smoke pot and it doesn’t hurt them. I know drinking’s wrong, but my parents drink and it doesn’t hurt them. I can handle it. I’m older than my parents think I am.” They know it’s forbidden. They either don’t see it as hurtful, or they rationalize the hurt away.
Q: So what’s the best way for parents to deal with lying, so that they don’t feel hurt and resentful about it and so that the child learns not to lie?
James: The first thing you have to do is be careful of is giving lies too much power. If you have a kid who’s mad at you or feels aggravated and powerless, and if he feels he can gain power over you by telling you a lie, he’ll use dishonesty to get that power. He’ll withhold information and lie by omission when you’re trying to get the truth. He’ll give you little pieces of information, and that makes him feel powerful. It’s a trap for parents. Honesty is important, but if you communicate that too strongly to your children, they will use that to have power over you. You have to keep these things a certain size so that they’re not used against you.
The second thing to remember is that you have to understand the power of the culture that kids go into. It’s a very powerful culture that exerts a lot of pressure to “fit in.” They may feel guilty if they lie to their parents. But, again, they’re thinking, “This isn’t that hurtful, and my parents just don’t understand.” Of course, parents do understand. They’re frightened, and they should be.
So I think that parents have to assume that kids are going to tell them lies, because they’re immature and they don’t understand how hurtful these things are. They’re also drawn towards excitement, and their parents aren’t. It’s not like the good kids aren’t drawn to excitement and risk, and the bad kids are. It’s not that the good kids don’t lie and the bad kids do lie. They’re all drawn to excitement, and they’ll all have a tendency to distort the truth because they’re kids.
I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re traveling too fast, he issues you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. He didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.
The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, he’ll recall how uncomfortable he was when he did the consequence for lying, and he’ll tell you the truth instead.
The consequence should be about the lying. If there’s a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately. If you come home later than your curfew and you tell me the truth, you may still lose going out Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you lose both.
Parents should not focus on the morality of it. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it’s hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.
When a cop writes me a ticket, he doesn’t follow me home or argue with me. He hands me my ticket and he drives away. Approach the consequences for lying the same way. Don’t argue about it or get into a big discussion. Discuss it in a structured way: “What were you trying to accomplish by doing that?” Not “Why did you lie? You know how much lying hurts me.” Just ask what he was trying to accomplish, then point out that lying is not the way to solve his problem. Compliance is the way to solve it. Talk about it after things have cooled down, not in the heat of the moment. Explain what will happen if he lies again. “If you lie to me about the dance, you’re not going to the next dance and I’m taking your phone for twenty four hours.” Just keep it really simple.
Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents.com
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